My Beloved is Mine: 2007

I do not have “Before Jesus” and “After Jesus” chapters in my life. By the grace of God, my mother taught me about God and His Son, the Savior, from before I could even understand. Consequently, God has always been my God, and I have never known anything differently. I was baptized in the Holy Spirit when I was eight years old while attending a christian summer camp, so since I was a child, God has always been very real to me.

I grew up attending a catholic church every week. Also, my mom would teach me devotionals and stories from God’s Word. However, most of my learning and faith came from reading the Bible on my own with the Holy Spirit as my mentor, leading me into an understanding of His Truth.

When I was 14 years old, I attended the confirmation class of the catholic church. It was then when I learned about teachings in the catholic church that conflict with the Bible. Since I believed (and still do believe) that the Bible is God’s Word and as such is infallible, I could not remain in the class or the catholic church.

My family then started going to different churches. My dad remained at the catholic church, and my mom visited different churches until she found a charismatic lutheran church. There were four children still at home (our older brother had already moved out). Two would go to church with Dad while the other two went with Mom, and then we would switch the following week. This is how I attended church throughout high school, only going every other week to the church I wanted to go to and still honoring my dad by going with him every other week.

I attended a small christian college in the fall of 2000. I thought for sure I would make some good friends there. Though I had been mostly well-liked in high school, I had not found a friend who was as spiritually mature as I was. I realize that sounds kind of prideful, but I was very serious about my faith and love for God, and every area of my life reflected that. He was and is #1. I also had chronic pain and fatigue in high school, and after more doctors and tests than I can count, I was finally diagnosed with fibromyalgia the summer after graduation. Most high school students do not have any concept of a long-term, never-ending chronic illness, so we were truly on different levels.

College did not turn out the way I hoped. Within 3-4 weeks, I contracted mononucleosis (usually known as simply “mono”). It is a virus, so there are no drugs to help the healing process. The best thing to do is sleep so the body can recover. With the fibromyalgia, I really just could not “sleep” – hence why chronic fatigue is a major aspect of fibromyalgia. So my first semester in college, I was sick and exhausted. By the time I finally got to some point of normalcy, everybody already had their group of friends, and I was left out.

To make things worse, I was often the victim of theft. This is a small campus where nobody locks their doors – except I had to. People stole paper from my printer, change in my desk drawers, my jacket, and even the the laundry detergent on my bedroom floor – when it only had 1 cup left! It was very disheartening. After one year, I returned home to go to the local university.

Upon my return to the city (home), I started looking for a new church. The previous church, where my mom was still attending, had about 4,000 people. I liked the smaller congregation I had in the college town, where I could actually recognize more than a few people at each service. God led me on a journey visiting different churches. I would stay at each one for about 3 weeks until I discovered something I really didn’t like about the church. This was not “church hopping” since I wasn’t leaving a group of people after they did something I didn’t like – I was looking for a church. And what I didn’t like wasn’t necessarily “bad.” One was just smaller than I wanted without more than a few people around my age. My mom also started looking for a new church, and found one that she really liked. I went to that church for a few months, but it was larger than I was looking for.

The summer after my sophomore year of college, my aunt invited me to live with her in Chicago for the summer. I became involved in a church group there with people around my age. It was wonderful. For the first time in my life, I had a group of friends to hang out with – a group in which we would encourage each other in our faith. It was hard to leave my friends at the end of the summer, but I am still in contact with some of those friends today.

When I returned home, I discovered that the type of church I was involved with in Chicago was also located in my hometown. That congregation became my church family, the first I had ever known. It was small enough for me to know everyone from the babies to the elders and yet large enough for them to offer different groups, Bible studies, and ministry opportunities. (The church in Chicago was so large that I really only knew the people around my age.)

It was around 2005 when God started bringing to my attention truths about christianity that I had never known before. Through videos, speakers, books, people I met, and other means, I learned about the history of christian holidays and traditions. I was appalled! I learned that much of what I thought was “godly” according to the one true God was actually based off the worship of false gods. The traditions, symbols, and beliefs of false religions have been mixed with Truth (as written in God’s entire Word).

My life started to change. I gave up the holidays I traditionally celebrated with my family, such as christmas and easter. I began to learn about the Feasts of the Lord and to observe them. I felt “stupid,” wondering: “How could I be so blind?” The names of the “christian” holidays are never even mentioned in God’s Word, and yet I’ve read the names of the holy days God commands His people to observe, but never thought of observing them!

In particular, I started observing the Sabbath on the Sabbath. The Holy Spirit had already put it on my heart to keep the Sabbath. Thinking the Sabbath was sunday, which is typically the day American christians rest more than on other days, I had not worked on sunday for about three years, even though observance of the Sabbath was never taught in any of the churches I ever attended. I then learned that God’s Sabbath is from sundown on friday to sundown on Saturday. I also learned that sunday became a day of rest in celebration of the “sun god” and was observed because those who observed the Sabbath on God’s day of rest were persecuted and killed.

When I learned the Truth, I started observing the Sabbath on the correct day, and I have been greatly blessed for doing so. I read Isaiah 56 with new eyes, realizing that God meant me when He said He wants His people to keep the Sabbath.

Isaiah 56:1-8

1Thus says the LORD,
"Preserve justice and do righteousness,
For My salvation is about to come
And My righteousness to be revealed.
2"How blessed is the man who does this,
And the son of man who takes hold of it;
Who keeps from profaning the sabbath,
And keeps his hand from doing any evil."
3Let not the foreigner who has joined himself to the LORD say,
"The LORD will surely separate me from His people "
Nor let the eunuch say, "Behold, I am a dry tree."
4For thus says the LORD,
"To the eunuchs who keep My sabbaths,
And choose what pleases Me,
And hold fast My covenant,
5To them I will give in My house and within My walls a memorial,
And a name better than that of sons and daughters;
I will give them an everlasting name which will not be cut off.
6"Also the foreigners who join themselves to the LORD,
To minister to Him, and to love the name of the LORD,
To be His servants, every one who keeps from profaning the sabbath
And holds fast My covenant;
7Even those I will bring to My holy mountain
And make them joyful in My house of prayer
Their burnt offerings and their sacrifices will be acceptable on My altar;
For My house will be called a house of prayer for all the peoples."
8The Lord GOD, who gathers the dispersed of Israel, declares,
"Yet others I will gather to them, to those already gathered."

Isaiah 56 became my favorite passage to share with others in my church. It is so blatant about how God not only wants Israel to observe the Sabbath and His other commandments, He wants the foreigner among them to do so as well. I was so blind before! By the grace of God, He opened my eyes to His Truth so that I could observe His commandments to show Him the love I have for Him.

I would like to share with you all an email I sent on November 12, 2006 to an elder in the christian church I was attending when I learned about the Jewish roots of my faith and that they are just as much applicable today as they were 2,000 years ago.

Hi [Name], How are you doing? I am doing wonderfully. God is so good! I can't get over His greatness and His love. He is just amazing.

I wanted to tell you about something. On November 28, 2004, you told me a prophecy that you believed God was telling you. I just wanted to let you know that you were right on. This is what you said: "God is preparing you for something totally different than you expected. Don't be surprised, it will require sacrifice of things you have held dear to follow Him." You said that you had the feeling it had to do with ideas and people.

My life has totally changed this past year. I started attending Adat Hatikvat Tzion (The Hope of Zion Congregation), which is a group of people who believe that Yeshua (known as Jesus in the Western world) is the Messiah and who try to follow all the commandments of God. We don't pick and choose from God's commandments like the Christian community does (ie, don't murder but don't bother to keep the sabbath) nor do we by any means attempt to keep the talmudic/rabbinic/oral law, which burdens people with literally thousands of rules added to God's instructions.

I am learning Hebrew and learning the Jewish culture. God has opened my eyes so much to His scriptures! There is so much there that I never knew about it. I am constantly excited about what I'm learning. I have had to give up several ideas, such as christmas, easter, and other pagan rituals, practices, and symbols that I never knew before originated from the worship of false gods. I have also had to give up people - for example, I no longer attend [Name of church]. I have maintained relationships with the people I saw outside of sunday, but I don't see the people I care about as much as I did before.

I have held onto that prophecy, wondering what it meant. Now I know. At least part of it. I don't know how much more God has for me. Thank you for telling it to me, because it confirms for me that I am following God.

Love, Carolyn

This is how she responded the next day: Thanks for sharing that with me. You never know when you give a word what it means or how it will play out in someone's life. God bless and may he continue to lead you.

Before I left that christian church, I had asked the pastor if I could meet with him. I wanted to share with him what I was learning. He talked with me on the phone for about 15 minutes but made no commitment to meet with me regarding the subject. Weeks later he called me, wanting to meet. At the 2 ½ hr meeting in which his wife was also present, I discovered that people were asking him questions about what I was saying (and he wasn’t too happy about it).

We discussed our beliefs and pinpointed the differences. Namely, I was just now learning the Truth about God’s commandments and was willing to give up the christian/pagan ways I had been practicing all my life for God’s ways. He and his wife knew about the Jewish ways and the pagan origins of the holidays we celebrated. He said that the commandments in the Old Testament don’t matter and that “God doesn’t care” whether we observe them or not. He agreed that we should obey the commandments that Jesus said were the greatest (basically, they are “Love God” and “Love others”). Jesus also said that every other commandment fits under one of these two “categories.” I asked my pastor, “Don’t you think we should obey all the commandments and not just the summary? He said “No.”

He also did something I would never have believed if I didn’t see and hear him myself. He raised his hand high up in the air and declared: “I am a pagan and I love God.” I learned that they used to not celebrate christmas or easter, but because “it alienated people” (in the words of the pastor’s wife), they decided to go ahead and do it anyways. This sure sounded to me like they cared more about numbers in the seats than following God and the Truth. Again I say, I would never have believed it if I didn’t witness it myself. I was reminded of the words Jesus/Yeshua spoke:

Matthew 5:17-20
"Do not think that I came to abolish the Law [Torah/Instruction] or the Prophets; I did not come to abolish but to fulfill. "For truly I say to you, until heaven and earth pass away, not the smallest letter or stroke shall pass from the Law until all is accomplished. “Whoever then annuls one of the least of these commandments, and teaches others to do the same, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but whoever keeps and teaches them, he shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. "For I say to you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the scribes and Pharisees, you will not enter the kingdom of heaven."

During our discussion, my pastor said that he doesn’t want me talking to people any more about my current beliefs. He said that he did not want me pressuring people to believe what I believe. This is when he told me that people had come to him with questions about what I was saying and he does not want them to get confused. I told him that I never intended to pressure anyone into believing what I believe and I don’t think anyone took it that way, but I would respect him and not initiate a conversation [while at the church building].

At the end of our conversation, the pastor’s wife said that one of the things she loves most about me is that I am constantly seeking the Truth. The pastor agreed. We ended the meeting with smiles and hugs and an agreement to disagree.

My pastor’s comment about people feeling pressured to believe what I believe really concerned me. I love to share the Truth I know with others, but that’s just it – I share it. People need to decide for themselves what they are going to do with it. They can seek it out further or let it drop. It is not my responsibility or mission in life to get others to believe what I believe, but it is my responsibility and mission to make sure they are aware of the Truth. God made this clear to Ezekiel.

Ezekiel 3:17-21
"Son of man, I have appointed you a watchman to the house of Israel; whenever you hear a word from My mouth, warn them from Me. "When I say to the wicked, 'You will surely die,' and you do not warn him or speak out to warn the wicked from his wicked way that he may live, that wicked man shall die in his iniquity, but his blood I will require at your hand. "Yet if you have warned the wicked and he does not turn from his wickedness or from his wicked way, he shall die in his iniquity; but you have delivered yourself. "Again, when a righteous man turns away from his righteousness and commits iniquity, and I place an obstacle before him, he will die; since you have not warned him, he shall die in his sin, and his righteous deeds which he has done shall not be remembered; but his blood I will require at your hand. "However, if you have warned the righteous man that the righteous should not sin and he does not sin, he shall surely live because he took warning; and you have delivered yourself."

I made it a point to speak with each person I remembered talking to about what I was learning, to make sure that they did not feel pressured to believe anything I had said. Each one said that they had not felt pressured at all. I reiterated to them (I would have also told them when we first spoke), that they need to pray, search the Scriptures, and ask God themselves to reveal to them His Truth, and definitely not take my word for it, or anyone else’s word.

I had actually been surprised (and in a way, somewhat impressed) that my pastor found out that I was talking to people. Since I grew up without a spiritual leader, such as a pastor or rabbi, it never occurred to me to ask another person about what I should believe. God gave us the Holy Spirit! Jesus/Yeshua said: “But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you” (John 14:26). I have always just relied on God and His Holy Spirit to reveal His Truth to me, and He is always faithful to do so.

I was saddened to learn that they sought answers from someone who knows the Truth but refuses to follow it, but I was glad to learn that they were asking questions. They had listened to the words I said, and God was keeping those words on their minds, giving them the opportunity to decide what they are now going to do with the knowledge they received. After all, God said, “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Because you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you from being My priest. Since you have forgotten the law of your God, I also will forget your children.” (Hosea 4:6).

What seemed kind of ironic to me is that God gave me a dream instructing me to go with a team from this church to minister in Mexico on a missions trip in August. He gave me the dream in March/April, about the time when I was going to stop attending that church altogether (I had been going to the Messianic service on saturday and the christian church on sunday). The meeting with the pastor took place in May. After hearing those disheartening words from my pastor, I could no longer put myself under him as an authority. I was faithful to attend all the meetings regarding the missions trip, even when we did fundraisers in which we worked on the Sabbath (the work was really ministry – yard cleaning, etc.), but I no longer attended the service on sunday morning.

Before we left, the leaders of the team had a meeting with me to express their concerns. They were okay with me attending a different congregation, but they did not want issues to arise during the trip and they were concerned about me eating a kosher diet, since in Mexico it is extrememly rude to not eat what is put in front of you. I assured them that I would not bring up any differences in beliefs. We were going with the same goal – to demonstrate the love of God to the people there and introduce them to their loving Father. Our differences are in how to show our love to God, and since we would only be there a week, would not be an issue. Concerning the kosher diet, I could only tell them that I was praying God would take care of it and not make it an issue. They were comforted with my response, and we ended our meeting with prayer.

During the trip, we were able to show the love of God to so many beautiful faces! It was wonderful. We worked with a missionary couple living there and were able to greatly encourage them as well as make improvements to their home. People were healed, and many believed that Jesus is their Savior. While in Mexico, I wrote the following song describing the experience. I shared it with everyone on the team, including the missionaries, our last night in Mexico, and we were able to sing and praise God together about the works that He had done there.

The Kingdom Coming

A little boy with hope in his eyes holds out an empty cup
I take from him what’s empty and by God I fill it up
Soup for everyone, limes and tortillas
As they all sit down to eat I sing Alleluia

This is the kingdom coming of the Holy One
This is the blessings poured out from the hand of God
As I see the beauty in every one of us
I can’t thank You, Lord Most High, I can’t thank You enough

A simple animal balloon doesn’t seem like much
But you oughta see the way that young girl’s eyes lit up
A smile and a gentle touch mean the world to somebody
I hope someday you are the giver of such things

This is the kingdom coming of the Holy One
This is the blessings poured out from the hand of God
As I see the beauty in every one of us
I can’t thank You, Lord Most High, I can’t thank You enough

I don’t know all the reasons God wanted me to go to Mexico, but I believe one reason is that He wanted the people on my team to see that following God’s commands, following His Word, does not mean that you have to reject the Holy Spirit and live in bondage. Actually, the opposite is true. We cannot follow God’s Word without His Holy Spirit, and His Words give life and freedom. So Jesus was saying to those Jews who had believed Him, "If you continue in My word, then you are truly disciples of Mine; and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free." (John 8:31-32)

If you truly desire to love God, do what He wants you to do. (“If you love me, you will keep my commandments” – Jesus/Yeshua, in John 14:15). Learn for yourself where christian ideas and traditions came from. Some came from God, and some reflect the assimilation of the worship of false gods, which God calls “abominations.” These things are not hidden. They are just history. But if you are like I was, you aren’t aware that you have been taught and have believed lies. Now you know. Now you have no excuse when you stand before Jesus/Yeshua and tell Him that you have prophesied in His name and done wonders in His name but did not think that you had to do what He has told his people for generations to do. The Torah (the first 5 books of the Bible) and the rest of the “Old Testament” are not outdated!

Matthew 7:21–23
Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' will enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven will enter. Many will say to Me on that day, 'Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in Your name, and in Your name cast out demons, and in Your name perform many miracles?' "And then I will declare to them, 'I never knew you; DEPART FROM ME, YOU WHO PRACTICE LAWLESSNESS.'

“Law” refers to the Torah, or God’s instructions on how to live. They are not “laws” in the modern American understanding of the word, in which the government decides what we are and are not allowed to do. The Torah is God’s specific directions on how to love Him and love other people. Hence why Jesus/Yeshua gives the following answer:

Matthew 22:36-40
"Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law?" And He said to him, "YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.' "This is the great and foremost commandment. "The second is like it, YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.'On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets."

I cannot say it enough: Seek out the Truth! Seek God! And do it yourself. Don’t rely on others. God desires a personal relationship with you. You do not need to go through other people to reach God. I hope to put up soon a list of internet links, books, and media to help you in your search of the truth. The information is out there if you’re willing to look for it. If you would like some ideas of where you can start looking before I can get the list posted, please feel free to email me at lovednforgiven@yahoo.com I continue to pray for the members of the congregation I no longer attend, and I will be praying for you too!

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Nothing Between Us

Monday, August 20, 2007

I Just Want to Worship You

You Are So Good

Monday, June 18, 2007

Testimony

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Bat Mitzvah

Monday, June 11, 2007

Signing Away